What is the difference between loving and being in love?


Ten years ago I read “The Cheetah” by Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa. In this novel, a phrase marked me forever, ”  Angelica was in love with him but she didn’t like him “. It struck me and never left me, although it took me a while to really understand its meaning. So what is the difference between loving and being in love?

What is the difference between loving and being in love?

I have already made several articles on the subject, which I will complete with this one. Nevertheless, I invite you to read: the difference between love and the state of love as well as the difference between love and passion.

In books, on television, in the movies, in songs … love is everywhere. Finally, in truth, it is nowhere. Indeed, the love that we see in all sauces is romantic love, also called passion love or amorous state. And it cannot last a lifetime. The very foundation of this love passion lies precisely in its fleeting side.

Romantic love, passionate love is a dream because it represents an ideal.

Besides, all the authors – however brilliant they were or would have been – spoke only of passion and (almost) never of the true love which is built up over time. Well yes, they did, but always in negative terms. When we talk about the love that is built-in movies or books, we are rather dealing with a love that fades over time, boring. Often, moreover, the subject of the story will deal with a passionate adultery – the hero or heroine rediscovers “love” with a lover full of madness while he ( she) was fatally bored with her reassuring husband.

Authors and romantic love

The great poets and writers all once wrote about love. At least that’s what we think. In truth, they wrote about passion.

In the excellent book by psychiatrist Jean-Paul Mialet Love in the test of time, the author writes on this subject:

“  The exaltation of love in literature, poetry or lyrical works can only be conceived by describing an exalted love; in other words, there is only room for the great amorous statethis inaugural parenthesis of the emotional encounter which is adorned with the illusion of fusion with the soul mate finally revealed, and which we take care of. ‘interrupted by death (Tristan and Isolde) or, in the most favorable cases, by a vaguely glimpsed future from which the reader is spared (“They lived happily and had many children”). The sensation prevails over the construction, the moment over time: the feeling of love can thus impose itself on the absolute that suits it . »(Page 79)

It is also enough to look at a few quotes from famous authors to realize that they all speak of passion and almost never of love:

We should always be in love. This is the reason why one should never get married.
Oscar Wilde

In this quote, Oscar Wilde talks about being in love and marriage in a paradoxical construction. Marriage # In love. The love that one builds and takes care of over the years would, therefore, be incompatible with any passion. And I think I quite agree with that. For me, love can start with passion. And passion itself can reappear from time to time (when there is a long absence of the other for example).

For a love to be unforgettable, chances have to meet there from the first moment.
Kundera Milan

Does love necessarily have to find its origin in passion?

Culturally, in France (and more generally in the West) and at present, it seems that this is the case. It is hardly possible or acceptable to form a couple with a person who has not filled our stomachs with twirling butterflies. And yet, we have never known so many divorces in our society!

Still in the book Love in the Test of Time, the psychiatrist Jean-Paul Mialet shares with us a very interesting anecdote:

“  During a trip to India, (…) I asked the guide about his private life. (…) My guide lived with a woman, had children and was very happy. Everyone also told me that here, unlike us westerners, we don’t get married for love: the so-called love marriage concerned only those who could do higher education and meet in universities, or who worked in the city. It was therefore reserved for wealthy circles. Usually, the conjugal alliance was an alliance of families, anxious however to leave the spouses a certain margin of choice. On the basis of this observation, I allowed myself more personal questions on the duration of the man’s marriage, his children, etc. before going straight to the point: “And you, do you love your wife? ” Offended start, punctuated by a laugh: “What a question!” But yes of course! ” – However, did you not tell me that you had not made a love marriage? – Yes, but love for us represents a project, a family, and not just an attraction like home! “. (Page 31)

So love/be in love: can you see the difference now?

At a time when everyone dreams of passion and stars in their eyes, many have forgotten the very essence of love: trust, respect, acceptance, compromises, habits, knowledge of other, communication, family…

Stendhal speaks of crystallization. According to him, the crystallization of love would allow the relationship to last because each fear, each doubt but also each happiness revives this love. The crystallization is completely linked to the imagination, it makes it possible to sublimate the other and also, to hang on to memories when the couple flutters.

In a romantic relationship, you do not lose your head, you remain yourself whatever happens in mutual respect. Even if the beginning of the relationship can be based on a thunderbolt, this fleeting passion can, and fortunately, give way to love, the real one.

Love is a lasting feeling based on the real and not fantasized knowledge of the loved one. We see the other as he is with his qualities and his faults. There is no idealization and fantasy: reality remains as it is.

The non-distinction between love and the amorous state is at the origin of many evils in the couple, even, of separations and divorces. 

Indeed, I realize since the time that I created talkdamour.fr that a lot of people think they no longer love the other as soon as the passion fades. To be in love is to feel, to love is to decide. 

Many seek to reproduce the amorous state and follow the conquests (or commit repeated adultery).

What if the secret of a lasting couple lies in the simple fact that the two partners have accepted love within their lives?


Like it? Share with your friends!