“It hurts me a lot, but I love it so I don’t want to leave it. ” This is the testimony of many women I have had the opportunity to meet. Disagreements about children, the future, communication, s**xuality, or simply the vagaries of everyday life … How do we know if we have to compromise or, on the contrary, stand up on points that seem fundamental to us?
Contrary to what the Bible said, no, love does not excuse, belief, hope, or support everything.
For healthy and forgiving love, here are my tips.
Accepting a situation that does not suit us, mourning an idealized relationship, self-sacrifice is generally not a choice.
The relationship of the first months and years did not reveal the points of convergence and comes the day when everything breaks out. We discover the other from another angle, foreign to everything we have seen in the past.
These points do not suit us, but we do not want to end all the relationships built. The context is often not the same as at the beginning and the stakes are more serious: children, marriage, commonplace of life. Stability and protection are therefore privileged in the face of our real well-being in a relationship.
Generally, we are reluctant to accept when:
- The investment in the couple was too important quickly (marriage, couple planning, the birth of a child). We did not have time to discover our partner in all its aspects and the differences erupt once the turning back is more difficult.
- Loneliness and the loss of our habits frighten us. Leaving it is sometimes starting over from scratch and going through a phase of galleys and uncertainties. So we stay and accept.
- One has the impression that there is no other choice. If I leave, will I find someone else?
Know when to accept…
We can begin to love healthily once we understand that the ideal companion does not exist. No man will completely fill the list of qualities that we expect in love, in the same way, that your partner will certainly have faults that you have previously deemed unacceptable.
By detaching ourselves from these unrealizable demands, we accept to deal with the imperfections of our man, but also ours. We no longer see it as a sacrifice, but a way of strengthening the couple.
You can ask your man to change some things, but the question is: is this change for you or for the couple?
Better to avoid trying to shape your companion according to our ideal. If he accepts at first, eventually it will tire him. Too many reproaches and demands, changes where he does not recognize himself = bad plan.
A sentence from the psychiatrist and psychotherapist Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz relates a very relevant point on this subject: ” The condition of true love is to fight against the narcissistic orientation which pushes us to perceive the other through our own desires and our fears ” .
In other words, we only really love when our intentions and our actions towards the other are no longer dedicated to our well-being, but to that of the other in priority.
When we get to this point, forgiveness and empathy are all the easier.
Knowing how to accept the differences and faults of the other for the well-being of the couple, this can be:
- Accept that it doesn’t always work as we do. Ex: He does not have the same household organization as you. For one, it’s a little cleaning every day, for the other, it’s the big cleaning from spring to the end of the month.
- Accept that it does not necessarily have the same tastes. Ex.: You don’t understand why he has this passion for video games/football/llamas from Tanzania
- Accept that he does not have the same needs. Ex .: He needs to see these friends when you are more lonely.
- Accept that sometimes he too is tired or clumsy. Ex .: After a difficult day, you needed to confide, and yet he fell asleep.
However, it is not good to accept EVERYTHING.
… And do not accept.
If in the previous paragraph, I encourage putting his ego and some of his desires aside, we must not sacrifice all his projects, fundamental life choices.
- If your visions of life are diametrically opposed (you want a child, not him / you are a homebody, he wants to go around the world / you want a free relationship, he only accepts monogamy, etc.) surrender to the obvious: one of you will be unhappy.
- If your visions of love are different (one sees love as passion, the other as great affection, more platonic), the needs of both will be too incoherent for it to work.
- If the efforts and compromises are really unbalanced, don’t tire yourself trying to fix everything every time. In the long run, you won’t last.
- Worse, if he doesn’t respect you or mistreat you, run away! Nobody deserves this.
Define a list (in your head or on paper) of the points that you necessarily expect from your spouse. Points you don’t want to overlook.
For example, for me, it would be complicity, communication, loyalty, and equality.
If some would accept a man who shows very few signs of affection in everyday life, in my case, I know in advance that I will not be able to accept him. In the long run, I will suffer too much. So I do not get into serious relationships with men who are not tactile and demonstrative.
This list can obviously be brought to change, evolve according to our life experiences.
Does your list match that of your partner? Does it agree with your current relationship?
Sometimes we think we know our other half perfectly, as well as their fundamental desires and projects … wrongly. To recite the psychiatrist Malarewicz (he is really good!), “There is nothing worse than being persuaded to know the other. This premise prevents us from seeing it evolve and breaks the thread of communication ”.
If you are going to have a long relationship, you will quickly notice that the man with whom you are dating today is surely not at all the same as the one for whom you fell in love.
People evolve over time, their desires, and character traits too (and luckily!). Perhaps it has changed and so have you, and your new desires/needs are no longer compatible?
It is, therefore, necessary to communicate regularly with the other to verify that you are on the same wavelength. (I will always say it again: communication is the key. Provided you communicate well).
Time to take stock
Now it’s up to you.
Do you really find that acceptable? Is it a fundamental problem where you sacrifice your most important dreams and desires?
If you are ready to accept big problems in your couple in the hope that it will change one day, it is dangerous. Set yourself a waiting limit (if it doesn’t change in x years, I don’t accept anymore!), Otherwise, you could wait forever.
If you are reluctant to accept his little fads and character traits that annoy you, talk to him and/or be forgiving. Again, the ideal man does not exist.