” OK, he’s taking a step back. But, I think he is afraid of his feelings! ”
It is a recurrent interpretation of the distancing of certain boys. This explanation is not given by the men themselves. No, it is the work of women who want to rationalize the imbalance they feel in a relationship.
Generally, this imbalance is due to a lack of investment from the most distant.
Not sure? We have an article to talk about it.
( Note: This post is an opinion post, any further reflection is welcome!)
Can we be afraid of a feeling?
JULES IS EARLY FOR YOUR DATE. SO HE DECIDES TO WAIT FOR YOU OVER COFFEE. AS THE SUGAR BUILDS UP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CUP, HIS THOUGHTS ARE ON YOU. HOW GOOD HE HAS BEEN SINCE HE MET YOU. THE SMILE GOES UP TO HIS LIPS. HE SAYS HE LIKES YOU. SUDDEN, HE TREMBLES. HER HEART RATE IS INCREASING. HIS EYES GO WIDE AND HIS BREATHING RATE IS DISTURBED!
“HELP, HELP, A FEELING IS APPROACHING!” “
What I am trying to say is that fear is a very special emotion with its effects and consequences. Even if in the case of a “fear of feelings” we will speak of anxiety (more lasting) or phobia (more systematic), I remain very skeptical about the idea. How can romantic emotions frighten?
Love emotions are appreciated by the body, to the point that they can open up addictions. Love activates the same hormones (dopamine, etc.) as certain relatively popular dr**gs (such as coca**ne).
Unless your brain is upside down, the feeling of love (once present) is physiologically pleasant: well-being, euphoria …
While the emotions caused by fear are perceived by the body as negative. They are felt in case of danger or threat. They lead to flight, paralysis, or attack behavior. In other words, the guy who would be afraid of his feelings, would not only be “soft” in his responses to our requests, he would flee us outright (change of city?), Would be paralyzed by crossing us or would stick a tampon to us.
Fear and love, from a physiological point of view, seem to me incompatible.
(Unlike “fear and excitement”)
(” Fear ” by wiki and ” love ” on Mondéo).
So why does he seem to be fleeing?
However, it is not uncommon to experience a meeting that seems to take place under the best auspices (attentions, tenderness, ranting about commitment …) but that seems to get heavy afterwards. The attachment seemed however present! But the relationship is becoming increasingly soft: it no longer sends the same amount of messages, it seems less available to see us and attentions are becoming scarce.
What is it due to? Some tracks.
FEAR / REFUSAL of FUTURE feelings
If we can live a favorite during the meeting, the attachment that will make tomorrow a couple comes with the investment that we put in the relationship. Even if the first date / s is magic, this magic can be attributed to novelty and not to the person we are. (After a month, he still knows us little / badly.)
Thus, Jules can fear attachment. Because this attachment would mean:
- an investment (temporal, sentimental) that he/she cannot / cannot give
- suffering in a probable future break that he does not want / cannot live
One can fear and escape from future feelings. In this case, the decision is conscious. Against a decision, in the field of love, we can not do much. Even seduction is generally powerless to make a man (or woman) change his mind about his desire for attachment.
(Where we speak of love investment ?
FEAR / REFUSAL of engagement
For various reasons, we can refuse to commit: lack of psychic and material availability (in professional reorientation, fresh break-up), the disenchantment of the couple. We can largely prefer celibacy to the couple, enjoying some beautiful meetings but not wanting to see them lead to something.
We can support a man who lazily engages in a story (patience, dialogue, etc.), but not someone who refuses to commit to it.
(To go further: “ Why are men afraid of commitment? ” And “ How to get a man to commit? ”)
Few feelings at time T.
This is perhaps the most difficult to admit: we don’t like it more than that .
When the beginnings were strong, it is difficult to understand the decline in interest (when precisely our own affection is formed). However, the relationship stops moving. Even, it recedes: you feel less and less comfortable expressing your feelings.
Some men are waiting for a thunderbolt, something that ” crosses them right through ” (stung at #Fauves ). We like us. But not enough to throw yourself into the relationship.
Their nonchalant commitment testifies to their observation: ” it’s not THE ONE “. It’s sad for us, but we are not validated for the position.
( Note: I suspect more men believe the myth of the Princess Charming. Because if the advice for men is legion to “ learn to seduce ” (to know how to do the day when “ The One ” enters our life) very few learn to love. However, “to love” is a verb. Not an immobile common name. In short, I suspect, but I can be wrong.)
The excuse “fear of feelings” suits us!
This interpretation reassures us! Because, even if the boy’s investment is soft, we care about him. We don’t want to see history unravel on a disinterest that we don’t understand:
- If we associate taking distance with a refusal of engagement or invalidation of our candidacy for the position of “girlfriend”, we know that the best solution is to end the relationship.
- If we associate it with a “fear of feelings”, we can put on our “superwoman” outfit to reassure Jules, tell him that there is no danger. Thus, we offer ourselves the good reasons to persist with him.
No need, therefore, to question our ability to choose an OPEN partner or to please him.
( Note: we feel guilty about many of these things, it’s a mistake: if Jules is disinterested, he is the one who screwed up the relationship. Of course, we can take stock to move forward in our thinking about love, but no need to flog yourself excessively.)
We are reversing mourning that will happen sooner or later. Because, if we yearn for more love and he cannot / wants to bring it to us, we will have to keep going. It is not him. In a way, we are the ones who fear the feelings of rejection and abandonment that a one-sided condition can cause.
(There is what, it stings with the Ego. And, the Ego, it is not the most solid thing of the world.)
It is all the easier to persist when the sweet words and promises were very present at the start. Because, to give up, to admit that NO, it is not a “fear of feelings”, is to risk feeling cheated.
So we insist. We are convinced of the fear of the other and we fight against it. The more we invest in one direction, the more we slide quietly but surely towards a rifled OI .
In short: “ fear of feelings ” or not?
The “ fear of feelings ” is an interpretation of the more invested of the two. It is not the reality of the other. A man’s perspective has other explanations: refusal of a relationship, fear of a future breakup, declining interest, etc.
The “ fear of feelings ” is a practical interpretation: it allows to postpone almost inevitable mourning (and to still enjoy the relationship).
BUT, if I’m wrong and you think this drop in interest is temporary, I can give you the strategy to follow. Ready?
So try :
- To ask a DEADLINE: you insist another month (maximum) and if there are no visible changes
- Apply the punishment-reward system during the said month. He takes a step towards you, you take a greater step. He takes a step back, you take a step back.
- And, if you really want to play all your cards, end in style with FO ( Freeze-Out ): make you forget (stop messages, calls, appointment proposals …) for two weeks. If he does not contact you before, it is because he “ keeps you under the elbow ”.
The cost of this strategy: a month and a half to be fixed and be able to pass without asking questions about something else. There is no point in fighting someone’s refusal/unwillingness. Better to move on to the next one.
Do you think you can be afraid of your feelings? Have you ever been faced with this situation?