In my article on the stages of a couple, I explained to you that the passion appeared first to give way to the terrible phase of opposition then finally, the sentence of deliverance: that of independence. The complexity of the couple also lies in this evolution: accepting the different phases, accepting that the other changes . Here I’m going to talk to you about mistakes in the couple. I am talking about errors in the sense that these expectations or behaviors that I am going to talk about harm the couple insidiously until, sometimes, explode.
Read each explanation carefully, I am sure that you will find yourself in some.
Mistakes in the couple
1 / Act with the other as we would like him to act with us
I would say this is the most common mistake. For my part, I did it for a few years! We often tend to do to the other what we would like him to do, without taking into account his real desire. It is human and it is even a benevolent behavior, which starts from a good intention: to make the other happy. Except that, by doing so, we are wrong.
We must first learn to listen to others, to hear and understand their expectations and desires. The couple communication is paramount. I’m not just talking about talking together, I’m really talking about understanding the issues, the innuendo. Listening.
Estelle and Fabien are in a relationship. When Estelle is sick, she likes to be taken care of, she wants great attention, as if she was falling back into childhood. When Fabien is sick, Fabien wants us to leave him alone and leave him alone in his corner.
What happens when one of them gets sick?
When Estelle is sick, Fabien leaves her in his corner. When Fabien falls ill, Estelle hugs him, stays close to him, pampers him.
No one is satisfied! Because Fabien and Estelle behave with each other as they would like him to behave with them.
What should be done?
When Fabien is sick, Estelle should leave him alone. And, when Estelle is sick, Fabien should pamper her.
Said like that, it seems obvious! But it is not, because we sometimes have the sincere conviction of being right when we have it all wrong. Learn to listen to others, to differentiate your expectations from their own. It is vital for the well-being of the couple
2 / expect perfection
Perfection does not exist. Take that word out of your mind, don’t try to reach it!
You cannot be perfect. Your partner cannot be either, your relationship will not be perfect! And fortunately! What would be bored if everything was always on top!
We often tend to think that finding a soul mate means finding the perfect relationship. That everything will be fine in the most perfect of worlds. FALSE! When you have found your soul mate and you want to make your couple last, you have to work there, collaborate, form a shock team to get through all the storms!
Why you have to be careful
If your greatest desire is to achieve perfection in your relationship, you can only be disappointed. When your partner’s faults start to appear and you realize that your life as a couple does not correspond to the image you had of it, you will experience it very badly.
Either you will resign yourself and be unhappy, or you will leave to repeat the same error.
What should we do then?
Live your couple without thinking about their image, without worrying about stereotypes and accepting the faults of your relationship. Accept that not everything can always be rosy. For example, if you find that you are making less love than before, don’t say to yourself “it was better before ” ” I preferred passion “. No, tell yourself that after five, ten, fifteen, twenty years of living together, it is normal that desire is not always in good shape. Look at what is really important: you are happy, affectionate towards each other.
If to be happy you both need to be a libertine couple, if to be happy you prefer to sleep in a separate room… THEN DO IT. We don’t care what other people think, what is important is that you find YOUR IDEAL!
3 / Change the other
We all try one time or another to change the other. At first, everything is beautiful, everything is rosy, you only see the qualities of your partner. And then one fine day, his faults, his little manias become unbearable to you. And you try, unconsciously or voluntarily, to change it. Then comes the time for reproaches, “you’re not like this” and “you’re too like that” . The time of Hell!
“Why does our partner suddenly no longer have the right to be what it has always been, which has never bothered us until now?” “
“Nobody has the rule that measures the“ right ”to live, speak, think, act. Wanting to change the other is nothing but an abuse of power which unfortunately shows that we see our partner as an object, a “thing” that we could model like a Pygmalion or that we would like educate like a big child. “
Do not try to change your spouse! You chose him, for his whole, his all. Yes, it is boring, yes it is not perfect but it is even perhaps for some of its faults that you chose it! Tell yourself that he doesn’t like EVERYTHING at home either and yet he accepts you and loves you the way you are
4 / See the couple as a repairer of injuries
I myself have long sought to repair myself through a man. I took a long time to understand that I should owe my happiness only to myself. That my anxieties, my past, my wounds could not be managed by anyone other than myself. Do not couple to fill the void, the lack, your fear of abandonment because you will never get over it.
We are not in a relationship because we are sad and desperate but because we are comfortable in our sneakers and we want to share this beautiful life with someone
I often hear say “she is not happy because it is not going well in a couple”. It’s wrong ! We may not be happy as a couple but it is not because of the couple that we are unhappy. We can, therefore, be “unhappy as a couple” and be “happy in life”. Hence the importance of creating a solid inner self! Having passions, activities outside the couple.