Love jealousy is the most common disorder among couples, ranking second among marital difficulties. This strong emotion is the source of many conflicts. While it may seem cute in some cases, in others it can jeopardize love and the relationship.
Pathological jealousy lasts several years and is often accompanied by acts of violence. The jealous person even gets excited when he or she feels jealous. This feeling makes him or her feel alive, even if after strong expressions of jealousy he or she feels bad, guilty and sorry.
Jealousy is rarely present at the beginning of a relationship since the merger in the couple leaves little room for doubt. We love each other, eye to eye, it is for life and the identity of the couple is at this moment even stronger than the identity of the two separated individuals. But routine settles in and everyone takes their place again, generating a normal distance that can create insecurity for either spouse. “How can she (he) live without me? Why can he or she have so much fun? I don’t want to lose her (him) and yet, I feel her (him) detaching… »
Love jealousy: the causes
Lack of childhood: some psychoanalysts say that jealousy comes from childhood, from a lack of attention from one or the other parent. It is also said to be the consequence of a lack of self-confidence and insecurity. We fear not having the qualities expected in the other person, not being up to the task, not being kind enough, we question our ability to seduce.
Infidelity: some jealous people are jealous by projection because they are unfaithful. One thing is certain, when we are jealous, it is because we fear, to a degree that differs from one person to another, that we will see our loved one taken away from us. Paradoxically, jealous people often choose ravishing and even seductive people.
Panic and abandonment: for the man, jealousy is expressed more by a fear of losing his power, the panic fear that someone else will touch his wife. For the woman, it is the fear of being abandoned that takes precedence and the fear that her partner does not love her for who she is. She expresses the feeling of love more than the man, but no jealousy is more feminine than masculine.
The solutions For the jealous
Accept the problem: The first thing you must do is to realize that you have a problem and look for the cause within yourself, not just blame it on your loved one, which often happens. This often happens. “Do I think the rival person is better than me? How is that better? How do I feel about this or that situation? Why am I so jealous? What is bothering me?…. »
Discuss: Next, a calm discussion with your spouse is required. Share your real feelings, your indispositions, your discomforts. By being aware of them, he (she) can help you move forward.
Consult: it is important to seek therapeutic support. A psychologist will help you see more clearly into these emotions that govern your life and that of your spouse and will give you the means, not to stop feeling them, but at least to manage them better. You can decide to go alone or as a couple, but in this case, it is suggested that you do not choose a therapist of the opposite sex to your spouse, which could reinforce the feeling of jealousy.
Keep busy: find passions, activities, and strengths to channel your attention and emotions away from your partner’s life. He (she) needs freedom. Remember that love is also about leaving the other person free to make his or her own choices. It’s up to you to evaluate whether his or her lifestyle suits you. If not, make the appropriate decisions. Not being jealous is a sign of trust in the other person and not of indifference.
Stop your images: try to stop your mental images, slow down your imagination which creates scenarios that often don’t happen. Do you imagine your lover in the arms of another, while he or she is working late at night to make ends meet? Do you rummage through his or her things to find emails, lipstick marks, clues that would prove that you are right to be afraid? You follow him/her, you question him/her, you harass him/her… Stop! It’s getting nowhere! If he (she) has to deceive you, he (she) will do it anyway, no matter how he (she) dresses, the people he (she) meets, the number of hours he (she) works. At worst, your constant doubt, your reproaches will push him (her) to find some understanding and comfort in someone else’s arms. Human beings do not like to be imprisoned. Everyone has the right to his or her secret garden. You don’t need to know everything: who he (she) is calling, where he (she) was, who he (she) was with, how long…
Regain confidence: keep in mind that what you form with the other is unique and that you have your qualities, worthwhile qualities. If not to share them with that person you care so much about, it will be for someone else.
For the victim
Reassure the jealous person: if you are a victim of jealousy, you may have the reflex to act to reduce your spouse’s manifestations by avoiding provoking through seduction. You can reassure your jealous partner while avoiding answering his harassing questions. If he (she) feels that you are solid, that you do not respond to his harassment, he (she) will feel that he (she) is slowly losing his power. Stay yourself and don’t blame yourself! Jealous people are good at making others feel guilty.
Stay yourself: avoid falling into his or her trap and closing in on yourself by responding to his or her every request, by avoiding going out with friends, for example, or with people in the office because he or she is worried about it. That would be proving him right.
Have projects in common: build a project with two people who value each of you in your action plan, but together in the production of what you have decided. This strengthens the bond of trust, solidarity, and complicity.
Realize yourself as a person: this reflex will help you detach yourself from the negative messages that your jealous spouse may send you to devalue you and make you believe that you no longer have the power to seduce. He will not be able to reach you where you are comfortable. Cultivate a passion, value yourself in your personal and professional skills, away from him or her. Feel guilty if you do a pleasant activity without him. You matter as much as he does and he needs to know this firmly.