I can’t tell you that I love you (and yet i do)


You are much more to me than you might think. Because you are everything. Everything I always wanted, mainly because you always treated me like someone who matters. As if my opinions and my desires are important to you. And that’s what love looks like.

But I can’t tell you that I love you.

I can’t tell you that every night, before I fall asleep, I think about you. I think of you when I get bored at work and would like to be somewhere else. I think of you when it is impossible for me to survive a day without crying. You are my refuge and the simple sound of your voice reminds me of it.

But when people ask me if I’m in love with you, I say no. Because I don’t want to lose you. Even if we are important to each other, it does not necessarily mean that we have to be together.

It is here that the border between loving someone and being in love with someone becomes blurred. And my own limits become blurred. I no longer know what is going on, neither in my head, nor in my heart.

We are sometimes intended to meet someone who takes our breath away, without necessarily being intended to be with him. And it’s unfair. Being surrounded by her beauty but not being able to caress it is so unfair.

We cannot say how much this person matters to us, on pain of revealing our secret. We cannot teach him that he is the last one to think of in the evening and the first one to think of when he wakes up.

We can learn a lot from each other, but only if we always make sure that the latter is at his best. And I’m not sure that risking everything by telling you my feelings is the best thing to do, because I don’t think we’re on the same page. And it doesn’t matter.

We are not quite at the same point in life and it does not matter. We do not feel the same attraction and it does not matter. But let me tell you something, shutting up is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Because I can feel imploded. I feel impatient with my language to betray me. To tell you that I’m crazy about you. So charmed by all that you are. It has nothing to do with your outward beauty, but everything to do with the beauty of your soul. And what’s crazy is that you don’t seem to realize how extraordinary, captivating and incredible everything in you is.

And this is what our future looks like. Let’s keep it as it is. Because even if I want to love you, I’m not quite ready either. And while I’m taking my time before I’m ready to love you, you might very well meet someone else.

You could meet her and love her more than you could ever love me. And she would love you just as much, because that’s what you are. Someone you fall in love with immediately.

But never have mercy on me. Never feel like I got lost. Because the love I received was worth it. You showed me that people like you exist and it makes me luckier than most people.

And if ever our paths crossed again and this time we were lovers and not friends, know that I would not need anyone else. You are the good one. You would be the right one . So, maybe we will end up together, maybe not … But what I do know is that as long as you are in my world, I will be happy.