As we know, stress is an internal reaction of adaptation in order to face a threatening, unknown or unpredictable situation. Through our thoughts, we often create and maintain a state of stress despite the fact that our system needs to return to the normal state of serenity or recovery and unfortunately it is common for a couple to perpetuate this vicious circle through the power struggle.
If the stress is too intense or prolonged, it, therefore, sets in a state of exhaustion in people. This state makes us more reactive and more sensitive to any stressor. This is why it is important to see good stress management in order to create the physiological, emotional and psychological reactions appropriate and necessary for the action and to find our balance as soon as possible, for us, our couple and our family.
It is true that our partner can be a stressor for us because he is there to bring to the surface the feelings experienced in childhood. This means that most of the disturbing feelings that arise in us during the relationship come from our past.
Indeed, we estimate that 90% of the frustrations that our partner feels are in fact issues related to his childhood. And so, we are responsible for only about 10%. Does it make you want to be more aware, caring and for yourself and your partner?
Dysfunctional strategies in the face of stress
Our brain is on the alert and picks up information around it. If our partner is stressed, he will be easily triggered, especially if he has not worked on his childhood injuries. The same is true for us because we are interdependent. What is your strategy for dealing with stress:
- Negation, denial
- Diversion, escape or distancing
- Avoidance, flight or isolation (the tortoise)
- Repression (such as the tortoise)
- Attack and emotional release (such as octopus)
Any diversion can be addictive and destroy our relationships and our lives
Avoidance can be useful in certain dangerous situations such as being followed by shady individuals. However, when avoidance, attack or any strategy prevents you from dealing with or managing a problem, it is harmful emotionally, psychologically and physically. Many of us use the avoidance and attack strategy because it is part of the stress response, but so we get bogged down in the stress spiral and destroy our relationships.
Avoidance exacerbates the problem simply because it prevents us from solving it. We believe that the status quo exists and that it is not harmful, but this state is illusory. We use the word status quo to say that a situation does not change, but all things are constantly changing, everything is changing and time is constantly influencing us. If we look in our environment, nothing remains unharmed. A house or a car deteriorates if we leave it without maintenance. The status quo is actually a degradation. The same goes for our relationships and our couple.
The consumption of alcohol, drugs or food, provoking arguments to turn away from the problem, cyber addiction, electronic games, work and many other things can serve as a diversion to escape reality and our emotional suffering.
Emotional release is used to focus on and express negative emotions rather than looking for a way to fix the source of the problem. This strategy leads to an increase in stress hormones, creates conflicts and drives away those who could help and support us, which only makes things worse.
Co-create with life instead of fighting or victimizing ourselves, we can stop fighting. I give you three very simple and very effective strategies to restore love, security and confidence in your relationship. We don’t have to wait for things to improve by themselves. We must be proactive and bring love to awareness in our relationship.
As we have mirror neurons, we feel stress from our partner so we could use these same neurons to make all the love we have for him or her feel. When we find that our partner is experiencing great difficulties, we can make their life at home easier so as not to perpetuate this discomfort.
With this video, you will reprogram your brain and that of your partner, all you need to do is practice daily. On the other hand, it is obvious, that you will eventually have to listen with kindness, patience, and empathy to the remonstrances of your partner which are triggered by you but which are linked to his childhood injuries.