There is a commonplace describing men as fearful of commitment.
We meet them. They please us. Quickly, we want more. However, after a few meetings, they become more distant. They answer calls less, say fewer words of Love. Already, past promises are no longer valid. In case we didn’t understand the message, they come back from the tattoo artist with a ” Carpe Diem ” on the lower abdomen.
How to bring a man to a more “serious” story? How to “push” him to get involved?
The answers in this article.
( It is obvious that I am talking about generalities. Not all men work as described in the said article. Likewise for women. But without a bit of categorization and caricature, it is impossible for me to explain my theories.
“Having an impeccable word” is, of course, a magnificent Toltec accord. But not at all an Anashkian agreement.)
Back to the definition of engagement
In the article on the three pillars of a romantic relationship , we find (after passion and complicity) the notion of commitment.
I divided the engagement into two types:
- spiritual commitment
- material commitment
It takes time to set up, it arrives well after the passion, and once the bond is well established. It is a self-promise.
It is only done between oneself and oneself, even if it speaks of the person who shares our life / bed. It is the deep and irremediable desire that the relationship endures while keeping the quality it has at time T.
We promise ourselves to put things in place (compromise, communication, surprises …) to prolong this well-being as much as possible.
This self-promise cannot be demanded or expected from the other.
We actually have no control over the deep desires of our partner. Time has to be allowed. Seeking to manipulate his partner so that he makes this self-promise (quickly) is to ensure that it will be nothing more than a flash in the pan.
In other words, looking for the promises and words of Love is looking for lies.
These are the proofs of spiritual commitment:
- formalization of the relationship
- presentation to friends / family
- joint trip / projects
- life together
- marriage / children
Finally, these are all actions that aim to strengthen the relationship. This is called the “construction” of his couple. We give up the chance of emotions and feelings a bit to set up projects.
In other words, we are creating a new space called “WE”.
Of course, “building” a story, having projects for two is an exciting path (like others). Of course, we may want to live it quickly enough (even single, when there is no muse to inspire us).
But, it is a path which is not:
: not everyone wants to build.
2 / Immediate : it takes time for the “I” to rearrange the space for the “we”)
3 / Unique : there are a thousand and one ways to love yourself. “The couple” is not the only one.
Commitment at any cost?
Want to cross this road, why not?
But to want this material commitment, at any cost, prematurely (without leaving time for the spiritual commitment to mature), to consider it as the only valid form of Love is dangerous. It is to risk being often disappointed.
In other words, and we will come back to this, it is to want to play a film that we wrote in our head, without giving the Other time to write his reality in our life. It is to deny HIS relationship to HIM to Love, which is – surely – different from ours (and what it says about it).
The stages of attachment
( I would ignore the “love at first sight” whose existence and meaning would require an article in its own right. Note only that it is extremely rare and that not everyone lives in a lifetime. Here we will talk a more classic attachment. )
How does a meeting come to a spiritual (then material) commitment?
” This girl / this guy interests me “
Sometimes, before we even start a conversation with the person, something at home attracts us. It interests us. We would like to know better.
Sometimes this interest will take a little longer to develop. In the context of work, for example, it can take place over several weeks.
It feeds on a funny attraction and mutual curiosity. We don’t know anything about the other, but we have the feeling of having things to share, to say to each other. Seduction generally starts with looks, allusions.
In short, the other particularly attracts us, but we don’t know it.
” I like him / her “
We’ve been dating for some time.
(Whether we get laid or not basically doesn’t change the story.)
We gradually discover the reality of the other without the masks of the first two / three dates. We begin to know his way of laughing, of getting angry, of positioning himself in front of what surrounds him.
We distinguish the differences between what he says he is (and wants) and what he is (and wants).
Generally, we are pleasantly surprised. It is less cliché than it seems. We like it because it breathes a certain depth. There is something special about him that other boys don’t have. (Maybe because we didn’t take that time with others.)
We take pleasure in meeting his friends or his favorite bar. We are fascinated when we discover his opinion on the thorny issue of abortion of flies in Alaska.
In other words, the interest, which we previously shared with it, is confirmed and refined, even though the other seems to be gaining in complexity.
” I feel good with him / her “
A certain complicity and trust is established. We deliver more and more. We share delusions that only we can understand. And, conversely, we feel close to each other.
The moments shared together are good moments. In short, we feel good about this man.
It is no longer only HIM that pleases us, but also THE RELATION we have with him.
” I want to stay with this person, they matter to me. “
From well-being to attachment, there is only one thread. It is the time of spiritual commitment. Everything is fine and, naturally, an “we” is created. We feel, deep down, that we will be present for this man and vice versa.
Together, we plan things in the future. Without going to the child-marriage super combo, we are planning a weekend in more than a month in the mountains.
There is no attachment without a minimum of dependence and confidence in the other.
Without giving everything, without sacrificing everything, we leave a space in our life for this relationship. We give it time and space. We take care of it. We are ready to make some compromises so that it continues over time.
This is the time when the “classic couple” can take a healthy form. Make it obvious. Without the need to force the line, we engage more and more towards each other.
To get a man to commit to a more “serious” relationship, the best is still patience. Not a patience that gets angry, wonders, and worries. But a patience which savor each stage as part of the meeting, which appreciates the doubts and novelties.
( Hence the importance of NOT having NEED men, but of cultivating a life of your own, where you flourish like zucchini in the spring ).
Imagine, you have to go to the Americas by boat. If you enjoy the cruise, you meet people, you take the time to love the sea, the journey will seem almost too short. You will love it as much (if not more) than the landing.
If only the arrival interests you, the journey will be painful, you will become painful and your partner will want to change cabins. We understand that.
And if you come across an iceberg, there’s enough room for two on the pool table piece, don’t let Jack die.
And you, do you think engagement as a goal or part of the journey?