You have already noticed that not all beloved men are invested in the same way in the relationship. Some, although in love, seemed to flee from her. Others stifled you with their love. Likewise, you and your friends do not necessarily live relationships in the same way.
As Manu Chao said, “Why even when people love each other, there are always problems? “ . Maybe because we love each other too much.
Attachment is a primary need present in both animals and humans. In animals, we speak of a gripping reflex.
Do you see when the baby monkey doesn’t take off from its mother? Is he looking for his contact? This is the grip reflex. This need for tenderness, cuddling, skin to skin with mom ape.
Scientists have done a lot of research with monkeys. In particular, separate them from their mother and give them substitutes or not. Without going into all the details of this experience, we could caricature as follows:
- The monkeys without substitute separated too early from their mother did really badly: death.
- The monkeys with a teddy bear substitute fared a little less badly … but did less well in their monkey life
- The monkeys with mom were, of course, the ones who do best.
We are like baby monkeys (The hairless). We build our relationship to attachment in childhood, with our parents. The father having a role as determining as the mother. And, the more reassuring this relationship, the more we will simply live the love stories that will run through our lives.
If, on the other hand, for millions of reasons, our childhood becomes complicated, our relationship with the other (and therefore with the guys) will also be complicated.
We would describe three types of attachment:
- secure attachment
- anxious attachment
- avoiding attachment
These are not, for me, hermetic categories. There is a continuum from avoidant attachment to the anxious attachment to avoidant attachment. And, a perfectly secure attachment seems idealistic to me.
“I always have the impression that they will leave me. I’m really afraid that this relationship won’t work, that we will end up abandoning myself ” .
Anxious attachment is characterized by a significant need for care and attention on the part of the partner (also valid in friendship). At the same time, the anxious attaché will doubt his partner’s will to meet this expectation.
Anxious attachés are relatively dependent in relationships. They perceive it as a raft saving them from their anxiety of being unloved. However, they do not have complete confidence in their raft, and watch for the slightest leak, lest the boat drop.
The anxious attaché experiences a lot of negative emotions. He is overrun with uncontrollable, protracted and negative thoughts.
Do you see those ruminations we have?
“Does he really love me? Does he love me as much as I love him? But if he still has the number of his Ex in his cellphone, maybe it’s that I don’t count that much? Why does he respond so summarily to my messages? “
We tend to believe that the more we reflect on our past stories, the better we will digest them. Whereas, in the anxious attaché, these ruminations only make him go worse and worse.
Men are just as concerned as women with this type of attachment and the fear of being abandoned that goes with it. But, among them, this manifests itself in aggressive, impulsive, anti-social, sulky, protesting, critical or disdainful behavior.
We can safely call them the emotionally disabled. Especially when one of them believed that our heart was a soccer ball. Basically, these are the guys (or girls) who run away from their emotions. Both positive and negative.
In a romantic relationship, they are afraid:
- psychological intimacy
- to be suffocated
- that the other prevents them from pursuing their goals
Love is not for them a goal to pursue. Because, as an avoidant friend says “it takes time, it takes the head … frankly, there is really better to do”. Uh, what? Someone explain to me?
They often end strong relationships and dwell on lukewarm relationships. This is a good way to avoid confronting your emotions!
When they suffer, they choose strategies centered on distance, emotional control, and refuse to ask for support. Dams, walls, reinforced concrete around the heart… They put all their emotional thoughts on OFF, minimizing what they feel, and leaving the problems as they are.
If consciously, the avoidants suffer less from a rupture, they develop more somatic diseases and have a poorer immune system. And it’s well done! Who hasn’t been heartbroken by an avoidant?
“I am happy in my life. My boyfriend and I found the perfect balance between proximity and a secret garden. Everything is going well, I have confidence in myself and in him… We are happy, all that’s missing is the labrador and the two blond toddlers and we can shoot pubs for coffee ”
Jealousy aside, these are the ones who have a “healthy” relationship to the attachment. They know they are friendly. They trust them and their stories.
- nor the flaws of the anxious (fear of abandonment, sticking, insurmountable rupture, depressive tendency, ruminations)
- nor the flaws of avoidants (fear of intimacy, emotional flight, fear of others, of addiction).
In short, we are happy for them. We know it’s a goal to have (like size 36) but we wonder if it’s not a bit of a myth. The perfect balance, smooth and clean … well done … I have doubts …
Security, a reality?
I can’t help but think CONTINUUM. The ideal would be to achieve something secure. A kind of balance between avoidance and anxiety. But is there someone perfectly secure? It’s not me, anyway. And I don’t live badly. N / A!
Especially since behaviors that deviate a little from the beaten track confer other qualities.
Independence among avoiders. Thanks to which they live great careers, travels, have time to learn … It is among them that I met the most open people in the world (not to people, to the world.)
Sensitivity in the anxious. I think that the great poets and writers of all time are very anxious. Who says ruminations also says thoughts on emotions, attempts to understand, expression. Perhaps we meet among the anxious the philosopher (intelligent ruminants) and psychologists … (and those who keep blogs on love).
Yes, we come to love correspondence.
Secure-Sécure: They are happy. All my wishes.
Secure-Avoidant: Ultimately, if the security is very confident in his ability to be loved, if he has a rich and fulfilling life outside of a couple, it can hold. He can even restore confidence in the avoidant who may be less and less.
Secure-Anxious: If the anxious manages to formulate his anxieties and reassures him to hear them; if security can reassure the anxious … The anxiety can gain confidence and the relationship can work.
Avoiding- Avoiding: Well, they avoid each other … So, good. On a misunderstanding, they can sometimes cross paths in the living room to love each other a little… Even though.
Anxious-Anxious: Strangely, it can do it. A couple necessarily very fusional, who suffocates a little … but who shares the same fears, the same anxieties. They understand each other and can reassure each other. In short, they will have a strong relationship.
Anxious-Avoidant: Uh … lol. Yes, we have ALL – or almost – had a story of this type. If one is anxious, one psychotic on the feelings of the other, one invades him, one asks him more and more attention, proofs … And, avoiding him feels suffocated, invaded. We force him to turn to his emotions and he flees more and more the intimacy of the couple.
Not to be missed if you are a masochist.
The good news is that you can change. If only by becoming aware of our operating mode and that of the other. The second step would be to formulate to our partner our anxieties, our fears (of abandonment or suffocation)… Together, then, we can find ways of doing things. We can “re-invent love” (it’s beautiful, it’s from Rimbaud).
While waiting to find the White Merle, Ladies, if you are anxious, run away from avoidants.
And you, what is your type of attachment? Have you ever met someone who worked completely differently from you?