It is perfectly normal to want to strangle your husband from time to time. On the other hand, if the arguments are constantly repeated, it is because you have not managed to get to the root of the conflict. No couple is immune to problems. It is, therefore, necessary to find solutions in order to move forward and live a healthy and harmonious relationship. To give you an idea, eleven couples expose the disputes they are constantly confronted with their partners. Relational experts then explain what is really happening within their couple and then give them advice.
1- We sink each other down
“When we get home, I am optimistic when my wife is tired and still stressed by her work. It destroys my good mood. It’s so much easier to get a person down rather than up. “
“He says it’s easier to get a person down rather than up. It’s true, but you have the choice. Most couples do not realize how sensitive they are to their partner’s mood.
It is not by allowing yourself to be affected by your wife’s bad mood that you support her. You can sit on the same black cloud as your partner, but you should stay upright when your partner is down. This attitude will pull her from her slump, “says Carin Goldstein, marriage therapist.
2- We always argue for the same nonsense
“We’re always there for each other, but when we argue, we’re both on the defensive, which leads us nowhere. “
“When couples argue over and over for the same reasons, it’s like dancing. Each partner repeats the same steps, which makes it impossible to solve a problem. At the bottom of them, the partners are afraid of being abandoned, rejected or considered insufficient, which generates a defensive attitude. In order for both partners to display their flaws, their relationship must be based on total trust and unconditional love.
Otherwise, each partner will do everything in his power to hide from the other what he considers unacceptable. The only way out of this dance, this recurring struggle, is to take different steps that will help you to accept you as you are to move forward together, “said Andra Brosh, Ph.D., clinical psychologist.
3- We are too sarcastic
“Our problem is the excessive use of sarcasm. It’s our common way of communicating, so my wife and I have forgotten how frustrating it can be to be sarcastic when we really need to say something special to our partner. “
“Sarcasm is a learned language. It is a way of communicating that is both passive and aggressive. People think that it is a safer way to express their feelings than to simply open up to their partner, but it can be received as an attack.
The feelings you express sarcastically can project something else: anger, frustration, irritation. Be aware of how you feel and what you want to say, then express yourself clearly. Do not use words tinged with resentment, “says Goldstein.
4- I am worried about his health
“My husband does not take his health seriously. He is diabetic. He refuses to see a doctor for the problems he encounters with his feet. It makes me mad. “
“This is an example of a codependency relationship, where one person feels responsible for the other person’s well-being. When one of the partners wants to control one aspect of the other’s life, the other becomes a victim, which can frustrate him. The woman has the choice between accepting to live with a man who refuses to prioritize his health or to leave it.
Forcing him to do anything against his will only create more frustration and resentment for both partners. Many couples think that they must always be on the same page to be happy, but we are all so different. We must respect these differences, “says Brosh.
5- Our duties and tasks are unbalanced
“We have unfair standards for each other. He asks me not to watch Gossip Girl when he’s around, but he often goes golfing when I’m there. In addition, when it comes to doing housework, it makes me feel like I’m asking him to do too much, while I do most of the cleaning, all the cooking, social planning, and so on. “
“I always ask couples whom I meet if they are showing or pushing their love. Most of the time, what a partner does for his or her half is considered proof of love. But not everyone gives and receives in the same way. The division of labor should be an agreement based on what is most important for each partner.
For example, if a person hates that a trash can be full, she should take care of emptying it. If a person likes to do the dishes, she should take on this task. Then, when the agreements break, each partner must be honest in admitting what he did not do, and then do it. This brings more satisfaction to each partner, “says Brosh.
6- We let ourselves go
“My husband allows himself to burp, fart, clear his throat and make excessive noises. I tried to make him a joke about it, but to no avail. He knows that his behavior bothers me, but he does not seem to care. When I feel s exy, a gas automatically extinguishes my desire. “
“The woman can not act with him as a permissive parent with a turbulent child. The behavior of the man is unacceptable to the woman, so she must tell him clearly.
She did not know how to be confident enough to take it seriously. As a result, he lacks respect. Both partners need to be mature enough to hold a real conversation to renew mutual respect, “says Brosh.
7- He is constantly angry at me for the same reasons
“Every time I leave the house, I forget to turn off the lights. My companion is angry at me for what he calls waste money. But, it is only an oversight! “
“Thinking about turning off the lights should be a way for this woman to show respect to her companion and keep a thought for him. When she forgets to turn off the lights, she forgets her companion. It can hurt him. This is an example showing that some things may have different importance for each partner. It is essential to recognize this and honor it, “says Brosh.
8- I sometimes have resentments
“My husband travels a lot as part of his job, which is very exciting for him, while I’m at home with the kids. I can not help but feel resentment. “
“It’s interesting that the woman has a glamorous perception about her husband’s work. This perception, however, is probably wrong, but it can lead the woman to wonder if her husband will abandon her, in addition to resentment and victimization, which is totally toxic to their relationship.
It is not her husband who will save her from this life. She should not focus on what her husband has, but what she needs, then act to be satisfied. Often, just informing your spouse about little things happening on a daily basis, interesting or boring, can solve perceptual problems, “says Goldstein.
9- We are incompatible, but we are in love
“I love my husband, but we are different. When it comes to making a decision, I like to take my time thinking, while my husband makes a list of pros and cons and then highlights the best choice. I hate that. I feel like I do not have time to think about all the essentials before deciding. “
“People think differently. Men often think in a very linear way. If a woman’s companion makes decisions quickly, while she needs time, it can be frustrating for her.
The man may not be aware that he is hurrying. The woman must inform her companion that she needs time to make a decision. You may have to go through different thought processes to make a joint decision. You have to adapt, “informs Ms. Goldstein.
10- I have problems of trust
“The fears of abandonment suffered in my past are resurfacing. Despite therapy, it’s still a problem for our couple. When I am jealous or worried, he is patient and understanding, but he also takes it personally. We do not know what we should do. “
“Early traumas like dropping out can have a long-term impact on a person and seep into their next relationships. Fears of being abandoned can be very strong, even if they are not necessary. You should talk openly about this fear with your partner the next time it comes up. Everything is at the level of consciousness. It must not have projections or misunderstandings, “says Brosh.
11- He is introverted, I am extroverted
“It’s impossible for us to share a sociable life. He has a small circle of friends and he is shy. So it’s hard for him to go out with my friends. I am hurt because I hate that he can not be part of that aspect of my life that I would like to share with him. “
“There is a difference between introversion and shyness. Introverts are not willing to participate in social activities because of their anxiety. This must be respected. On the other hand, an introvert must not refuse to participate in events that are important to you only because he is shy.
He should even be able to accompany you on his own. You should still tell him that his company is important to you and make him understand that you are a team. He must understand that you must be able to share this part of your lives to be fully connected as a couple as well as to intensify your relationship. Every relationship has to deal with compromises, “says Goldstein.