Are you hooked but you feel that your relationship is drifting away? You do not know if it is you or him the problem … You are probably trapped in a relationship called “emotionally abusive”.
As we know, a romantic relationship can be fraught with pitfalls. Living together means commitment, communication, and mutual trust. These virtues are the secret of a healthy and lasting relationship and are acquired over the long term. But at the beginning of a relationship, it is not always easy to make the distinction between excessive passionate reactions (which diminish over time) and unhealthy attitudes which soil a relationship which it will be difficult to get rid of later. If we know the profile of the narcissistic pervert to avoid at all costs, there is also the phenomenon of what professionals in psychology call “emotional abuse”. Here are 10 signs to recognize it.
1- He is selfish in bed
Okay, we all probably met at one time or another a man or a woman who, in bed, put his own pleasure before ours. If this form of selfishness is still quite widespread in the human race, it can sometimes reflect a form of emotional abuse, when this behavior becomes recurrent and your partner no longer cares about your intimate desires. “This can be manifested by making you feel guilty or bothering to make love when you don’t want to, or not paying attention to what makes you happy during the act. two cases are like emotional abuse, ” Kimberley Hershenson, a therapist specializing in relationships, told Bustle.
2- He wants to control everything
Authoritarian characters, we know. There too, nothing very rare. Within a couple, the most difficult sometimes consists in finding a balance in the dominant / dominated relationship. However, it is appropriate to make a distinction here. If your friend interferes in your decisions while arguing that it is for your good, listen to him and see if these words are justified.
If, for example, he advises you not to buy such a thing because you have spent a lot of money this month or not to go out tonight because you have just come out of a cold, this is probably just thoughtfulness to your respect. If, on the other hand, he systematically challenges the least of your decisions without ever supporting you, he is probably abusive. “If he tells you how to dress, if he constantly dictates your thoughts and opinions to you, or if he has something to say about the people you hang out with, it may mean that the red line is crossed and that you are a victim of emotional abuse, “said Kimberley Hershenson.
3- He holds you responsible for his own actions
Do you blame him for not taking his travel time into account and for choosing the wrong meeting time because he arrived late? This type of attitude has a name: bad faith. Again, who does not use it when he does not want to acknowledge his wrongs? But when this pattern is repeated in a romantic quarrel and your partner makes it clear to you that he would not be as upset if you had prevented him from doing so, it clearly means that he is not ready to take responsibility. Either he’s immature … or he’s abusing your tolerant temper.
4- He compares you to others to belittle you
“When I observe myself, I worry. When I compare myself, I reassure myself” (Talleyrand). Comparing yourself with others can be used for good as well as bad. If your other half tells you “look at this girl: next to you, she is transparent”, it is rather flattering for you. But your friend can also send you hints like: “You see your friend Sabrina has had a great diet, and she has been much better since losing weight. Like what, a little diet from time to time, it doesn’t hurt! ”
Again, it’s up to you. It may well be that his remark is innocent. On the other hand, if you feel that you are clearly targeted and that that was the intention, that person is clearly not acting in your interest. “Chronic negative criticism will only lower your self-esteem and this can at the same time push you to question the love and respect that this person has for you”, warns Rhonda Milrad, a graduate in psychology and founder of the Relationup relationship counseling platform.
5- He lies in order to manipulate you
Another manifestation caused by bad faith: manipulation through lies. Or more precisely the fact of distorting reality to make the other doubt about a past event. “What do you mean, don’t you remember that I asked you to pick up my mother at the airport? However, I remember very well telling you, it was Friday evening at 8:03 pm. waited, it’s not normal, you really forget everything! “.
So yes, this kind of situation can happen without anyone really knowing who to blame, especially if your memory is lacking at this precise moment. But if your partner hits you too often, to the point of making you want to consult a neurologist, it is either that you actually have a problem, or that he is lying to you for the sole purpose of you. manipulate. This process can be extremely dangerous and toxic, warns Rhonda Milrad. “This type of behavior alters your self-esteem and confidence. Ultimately, it can even challenge your own thoughts, feelings or opinions.”
6- He doesn’t like you spending time without him
When you live together, it is essential not to do everything together and to set aside moments for yourself: go out for a drink with friends, read this book that you have not yet finished, meditate … In short, so many reasons that healthy couples normally have no difficulty understanding. Separate for a few hours to find yourself better then …. that is your motto. The problem is that it is not hers. It makes you a scene, even a crisis of paranoia each time you undertake an activity without him?
Be careful, this is a typical trait of love-bombing, one of the most formidable weapons of the narcissistic pervert. Marital relations expert Tacca Martin explains to Bustle: “If you feel that your partner is walking on your flower beds and you have trouble saying no, it can be a sign of abuse”.
7- It keeps you away from your loved ones
Another typical characteristic of emotional abuse is to get as far away from your loved ones as possible in order to keep yourself selfishly. At the beginning of a relationship, it can start with a simple: “you have already seen your best friend this week, stay with me I want to have you for me alone”. The profile of the transient and exclusive lover may initially be attractive, but it is still better to keep an eye on this possessive temperament and to set limits from the beginnings of a relationship. Because if you let it happen, the person can take advantage and abuse it.
If this is already the case in your relationship, you absolutely must react, otherwise, you risk losing your loved ones for good. In addition, this can only prove to be harmful to your relationship since, again, it indicates a form of manipulation, underlines Tacca Martin: “If he continues to tell you that he misses you while you spend a lot of time with him, this remains a way of making you feel guilty and therefore of manipulating yourself. ”
8-It does not take into account your opinion
What could be more frustrating than chatting with your partner without the latter (if he disagrees with you obviously) taking your opinion into account, or worse, disparaging him? If this happens every time and constantly, you are probably not in a healthy relationship. Try pointing it out and see if it makes him question himself. And make sure that he really listens to you this time. Or at least try to be firmer than usual.
9- He always wants to have the last word
It happens to all of us to prove at all costs that we are right and sometimes push the plug a little bit far to achieve our ends. In everyday life, we do this to assert our character or establish our ideas, especially those that are important to us. But if this is constant with him, whether during an argument or a simple discussion, it can translate into abusive behavior, warns Davida Rappaport, marriage counselor interviewed by Bustle.
10- He constantly rehashes your past mistakes
Is he resentful because you forgot his birthday three years ago or because you forgot to warn him that you would come home late one evening? Whatever the magnitude of the problem, remember that if it is still there, it means that you have forgiven you. Of course, forgiving is not forgetting. If you repeat your actions and do not seize the second chance that it offers you, it is not surprising that your partner blames you. But if you have learned from your mistakes and the latter continues to use them as a weapon to overwhelm you as soon as the urge takes him, you must react. Because again, this is not healthy.
What if you recognize yourself in several of these criteria?
If you feel that you have been emotionally abused, the first thing to do is to take a step back from your relationship. Ask yourself why you are staying with this person who obviously does not want you only good and, above all, if it is worth it. If you come to the conclusion that your relationship is indeed toxic, you must free yourself from this grip as soon as possible. Don’t hesitate to ask your loved ones for help if necessary. And tell yourself one thing: the sooner you leave, the sooner you can start a healthy and lasting relationship with, this time, a person who deserves you.